The Big Reveal

So a little over a week and half ago we found out what this little bebe in my belly in was.  I talked about my preference for a little girl here.  I wanted a girl, point blank, and when the ultrasound technician announced that we were having not the baby girl I desperately want, but instead a sweet baby boy, I felt like a ton of bricks had hit me in the chest.

So how did I feel.  Honestly?  Really, really crappy.  I laid on the ultrasound table, thankful that my baby was healthy, but dreadfully sad that he was indeed a he.  I even cried.  Yep it was a bittersweet moment.

I managed to pulled myself together to get through my doctors visit, but spent the rest of the day in fits of tears, trying to keep it together as much as I could.  And finally that night,  I let myself fall apart and truly cried my eyes out for a solid 30 minutes.  It was difficult.  I honestly felt like I had failed my family, who all really wanted a little girl.  And really, I felt like I was being punished.  I wasn't getting what I wanted.  And everywhere I looked, everyone was having their perfect boy/girl family.  It wasn't fair.

But like all disappointments, there comes a time when that disappointment fades.  The next day the cloud began to lift, and I finally began to believe all the things I had been trying to convince myself all along.  My son will have a brother whom he can wrestle with and be rough with.  They will be able to play with the same (or at least similar) toys and occupy each other.  They will have each other.  And I am already totally stocked to dress a little boy.  Having another little boy might not be so bad after all.

I also starting looking for blogs of other mothers with a pair of boys.  Reading what other mothers had felt and experienced and the joy they have gotten from their boys, really helped put things into perspective.  And while it doesn't completely take the sting away, every day is easier and easier to envision that my son will be here in a few short months.

So at the end of the day, I did see blue, and was blue for a couple of days, but for those mothers who are going through this, I just wanted to say you're not alone.  In fact, I was shocked when a fellow mother told me that she had the very same feelings, except she was wanting two boys!  {Imagine my shock that someone would actually want that!}  The truth of the matter is that we all have underlying expectations, whether we want to admit it or not, and there's nothing wrong with being sad when our dreams don't exactly happen as planned.

Because So Few People Will....

...I'll just say it.  Yes I have a preference, and I want a little girl. There it's out there. {not that it's really any secret to anyone who knows me}  Being that I'm approximately 19 weeks and few days pregnant, and on the eve of the big ultrasound, I'm nervous.  I know most parents are excited and ready for their big day to find out what their little bundle is, but me, I'm super anxious and nervous.

I guess I should explain.  With my first child, my husband got to pick if we found out or not, and he decided against it.  I was bummed for a while, but by the end was really enjoying the not knowing and the ultimate surprise that came when he was born.  Now I'm not going to lie.  I honestly was a little bit disappointed when the nurse first announced that he was indeed a HE.  But that quickly faded {as it always does} because who can deny how cute and lovable their little one is?  Occasionally, as I would see if my friends with their little girls, I'd find a hint of jealousy would arise.  {Because seriously, those ruffles and bows are just too cute.}  But I always quelled my feelings by knowing that there would likely be a baby #2 and all hope was not lost.

But now I'm here, and on the eve of baby #2 and the big discovery day, all my fear and anxiousness has come back with a vengeance.  I've gone back and forth on whether to find out or not, because this time around it's my choice.  One minute - yes - I must know. I can plan better and deal with all the emotional crap well before the baby arrives, either way.  Yet the next minute - no, definitely no - because regardless of the gender, I love this baby just as much and will not be all that worried about what gender he or she is once they arrive.  And then I'm back to yes, because honestly I don't know that I can deal with the stress of not knowing for another 5 months.  So today, I'm sitting firmly on the fence, knowing that more than likely I'll bite the bullet and find out in the morning.

I've tried to be proactive.  Researching and researching, trying to figure out how to deal with this onslaught of emotion, and thankfully, I've come to terms to how I think I'm going to feel and react if tomorrows outcome has me seeing blue again {pun intended}.  But what really bothers me is all the posts and comments I've seen from other moms saying that these feelings are wrong, horrible, indicative of a bad parent...blah blah blah.  {I would channel Jennifer Lawrence and her elegant hand gesture from the post-Oscars, but that just wouldn't be very lady like.}  I know for those mothers who have suffered through infertility, the ability to just have a baby - any baby - is a blessing.  And I don't think any mother out there would disagree, that in the end a healthy baby is all that really matters.  However, just as I should respect their feelings about what they've gone through, so in turn should they respect that my feelings are just as valid and just as real.  We just have difference perspectives.

I don't really have a point to all my rambling, other than to say to other moms - if you're going through this, you're not alone.  Gender disappointment is REAL and is valid.  Afterall, we all have dreams and sometimes those dreams work out and sometimes they don't.  This is just part of that dream that we don't have control over.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day.  And regardless of the outcome, I probably won't share right away until I have come to terms with the results myself {and told the family!}.  But in the end I know it will all be fine.