Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Because So Few People Will....

...I'll just say it.  Yes I have a preference, and I want a little girl. There it's out there. {not that it's really any secret to anyone who knows me}  Being that I'm approximately 19 weeks and few days pregnant, and on the eve of the big ultrasound, I'm nervous.  I know most parents are excited and ready for their big day to find out what their little bundle is, but me, I'm super anxious and nervous.

I guess I should explain.  With my first child, my husband got to pick if we found out or not, and he decided against it.  I was bummed for a while, but by the end was really enjoying the not knowing and the ultimate surprise that came when he was born.  Now I'm not going to lie.  I honestly was a little bit disappointed when the nurse first announced that he was indeed a HE.  But that quickly faded {as it always does} because who can deny how cute and lovable their little one is?  Occasionally, as I would see if my friends with their little girls, I'd find a hint of jealousy would arise.  {Because seriously, those ruffles and bows are just too cute.}  But I always quelled my feelings by knowing that there would likely be a baby #2 and all hope was not lost.

But now I'm here, and on the eve of baby #2 and the big discovery day, all my fear and anxiousness has come back with a vengeance.  I've gone back and forth on whether to find out or not, because this time around it's my choice.  One minute - yes - I must know. I can plan better and deal with all the emotional crap well before the baby arrives, either way.  Yet the next minute - no, definitely no - because regardless of the gender, I love this baby just as much and will not be all that worried about what gender he or she is once they arrive.  And then I'm back to yes, because honestly I don't know that I can deal with the stress of not knowing for another 5 months.  So today, I'm sitting firmly on the fence, knowing that more than likely I'll bite the bullet and find out in the morning.

I've tried to be proactive.  Researching and researching, trying to figure out how to deal with this onslaught of emotion, and thankfully, I've come to terms to how I think I'm going to feel and react if tomorrows outcome has me seeing blue again {pun intended}.  But what really bothers me is all the posts and comments I've seen from other moms saying that these feelings are wrong, horrible, indicative of a bad parent...blah blah blah.  {I would channel Jennifer Lawrence and her elegant hand gesture from the post-Oscars, but that just wouldn't be very lady like.}  I know for those mothers who have suffered through infertility, the ability to just have a baby - any baby - is a blessing.  And I don't think any mother out there would disagree, that in the end a healthy baby is all that really matters.  However, just as I should respect their feelings about what they've gone through, so in turn should they respect that my feelings are just as valid and just as real.  We just have difference perspectives.

I don't really have a point to all my rambling, other than to say to other moms - if you're going through this, you're not alone.  Gender disappointment is REAL and is valid.  Afterall, we all have dreams and sometimes those dreams work out and sometimes they don't.  This is just part of that dream that we don't have control over.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day.  And regardless of the outcome, I probably won't share right away until I have come to terms with the results myself {and told the family!}.  But in the end I know it will all be fine.


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