Monday, April 15, 2013

Monday Mom Confessions

Wow, the weeks right now just seem to fly by for me.  I have several other posts in the hopper, but getting the precious few minutes needed to do final edits {or in some cases just finish thoughts} has escaped me.

I unfortunately don't have a ton of confessions this week, but instead have just one big one.  Despite the fact that we begin moving into a big, beautiful new house in less than 4 hours - I am NOT excited - not even in the littlest bit.

Wow - could you feel that?  I think a thousand pounds just lifted off me and yet all at once hit me in my ever-swelling stomach.

The process of purchasing a home is one that is filled with a wide range of emotions.  Most people stress about the decision and money BEFORE they commit.  Now don't get me wrong, I get my ducks in a row before walking down a path of this magnitude, but until the dollars and cents are finalized, I don't get stressed.  It's not until it's time to actually write that check do I start to panic.

For me, money has always been a big issue.  Like most married couples, it's probably one of the things we discuss most often and probably the one thing I obsess about on a regular {read: non-stop} basis.  How much we've saved, how much we've spent, and how we can earn more.  Growing up, I was by no means poor.  Even after my parents divorced, we lived in beautiful homes and while I never had the best or newest gadgets, my mother did an amazing job of providing what we needed with a few extras here and there.  She also taught me the value of hard work and the importance of managing your money.  Only NOW, after I've "grown up" and started to see just what it really takes to run a household can I appreciate the sacrifices she made for me and my sister, but more importantly I can begin to see the strength she had to weather the storm of stress and anxiety she must have faced.

I know that I am blessed, beyond measure, with the worldly gifts God has given me.  And throughout this entire process I have felt God's hand guiding us.  Everything in fact, came together far better and easier than I could EVER have imagined.  And yet now, I find myself questioning if this was the right decision.  It's going to make the budget tight - real tight.  And with baby #2 on the way, I worry if this was the wrong decision and I just thought God was leading me this way.  I lay awake at night worrying about the bills to come.  Not because the money isn't there, but because of the sacrifices I have to make to ensure the money is there.  Many of which are selfish, self-serving sacrifices, like my penchant for eating because I simply don't want to cook.  

There's a reason that Jesus is recorded talking about money more than anything else, second only to the Kingdom of God.  Even more than Heaven and Hell combined.  And that's because as humans, even thousands of years ago, money had the ability to take hold of us and Satan uses that lure as a way to continue to distract us.  I've found myself praying even more than normal over the last few weeks about money in particular.  Because right now, money is the reason why I'm not excited about moving.  It's the black rain cloud that prevents me from enjoying the path God so patiently and lovingly forged for my family.  And to make it worse, much of my stress in self induced.

I worry about not being able to afford grabbing dinner with my girlfriends, instead of seeing this as an opportunity to open my home and heart to my friends in a real way.  I worry that my husband will resent our decision when he can't freely spend money on things he wants {even if I hate those very things, like cigars - YUCK} and will feel like a failure as a husband and provider.  I worry about the day to day "misses" instead of the joy that will come with a new baby and space to actually enjoy each other's company.

And at the end of the day, that my friends is the real the problem - because I worry about everything that the devil wants me to worry about - perception, image, other peoples opinions - instead of remembering that God has my back.  That he laid this path and made it possible for everything to come together.  That for every "sacrifice" I make now, he has an even greater plan for me in the future.  So while I may not be jumping over the moon about our impending move, I am praying hard that with this move our family can continue to share the love of Christ with those around us and that through our sacrifices we may bring joy to others.

I saw this image posted on Facebook yesterday and felt it was all too fitting for my mindset lately.  It's a hard lesson to follow at times, but one I know that is worth it!

Until next time!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Monday Mom Confessions

Maybe a little late.  I have to admit, I thought about it yesterday, but yesterday was one of those days.  I was just in a funk and if I had written anything, it would have reeked with disdain and likely brought a big black over you as well.  Pregnancy hormones do weird things to you and yesterday was a low day.  So without further delay, below are my Mom Confessions from this past week.

Confession #1 - I have eaten a serious amount of my kid's Easter candy.  In my defense, he's 2, almost 3 {OMG that breaks my heart just typing it!}, and is seriously affected by sugar - as in screaming wilder beast who gets grouchy and even mean.  So we avoid giving him too much of anything heavy in sugar for everyone's sanity.  And what better way to get rid of it, than to eat it myself.  Mind you, I have my own Easter basket {yes, my mother still fixes one for me too!} overflowing with goodies, and my scale tells me to QUIT, like now, but so far neither of those facts has stopped me from digging into the kiddo's basket first.

Confession #2 - I often deal with things by simply forgetting or avoiding.  When I feel overwhelmed or stressed, instead of getting into the moment and dealing with it, I will delay, delay, delay, until it all comes crashing down on me.  Because after all - if you ignore something long enough it will eventually go away, right?! {I'm only kidding with that last sentence - this is NOT a good way to deal with things, but certainly helps me keep my Southern Belle coolness in pressure filled situations}.  However, as we did our final walk-through of what will be our new home in less than a week{!!!}, the gravity of all that I still have to do in our old home {namely - packing} hit me.  Where I wasn't worried before, now I'm suddenly panicked and have even more stress about how it all get done. Thank you Lord for my amazing husband, because without him the great moving debacle of 2007 {Summary: a large 2 bedroom apartment full of stuff, and only 3 boxes packed the morning everyone showed up to move us} would be occurring again next week!

Confession #3 - I sometimes have a hard time believing when people say they "feel" the presence of God with them.  Sorry that's kind of a heavy one - but it's been on my mind a lot this last week as I've found myself praying like it's my JOB.  I am a woman of strong faith {most of the time, but hey, we all stumble from time to time} and believe in the power of prayer.  I've even felt the emotional weights be lifted {albeit, usually after a good nights rest or some time} but I don't know that I've even really "felt" God with me.  It's an interesting concept, because I truly believe he is with me, but actually feeling it is something totally different.  IDK - I'm curious if anyone else feels this way or has actually experienced Him with them.

And....that's all I've got this week.  It's a little sad, but my poor, pregnancy fogged brain is working on overtime right now.  I daydream about cuddling my pillow and sleeping for days on end right.  Hopefully this fog will pass soon - because I've got too much stuff to do to just be laying around sleeping!

Thanks for stopping by!

P.S. For all the southerns out there - aren't you LOVING this weather?!  Granted, 80 degrees in April could be a really bad sign for the summer to come - but after what felt like a super long winter - I'm LOVING it.  Even sent the kidlet to school in shorts today!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Monday Mom Confessions

Eek - I'm sort of behind today, which is fitting considering everything we've had going on lately.  I haven't publicly shared (so not even my FB friends know) that we sold our house and are moving.  It's not that I don't want to share, but up until today, there were too many "what ifs," and I didn't want to share the news and then have one or both of the deals fall through. But thankfully, the last 20 days of stress have been worth it and all is now official!  We're moving!  2 weeks from today in fact.  And I haven't really even starting packing.  So the next 2 weeks are going to be crazy, nuts, insane - pick your choice of words!  Exhausting is what I'm already calling it.

But anywho, onto the good stuff.  Since Easter was yesterday, I have a just a few Easter related confessions.

Confession #1 - Despite my {always} good intensions, somehow I always end up doing things last minute.  This year's Easter basket was no exception.  But that's not my confession.  Being just 2 days from Easter, I quickly dashed through Target trying to find the perfect basket {or my case, cloth organizing box, because all the baskets were sold out, and if I was going to spend the money, it might as well be useful - can I just say thank goodness 2 year olds don't know the difference!} fillers.  Mind you there was limited supply of just about everything.  And since I don't give my kid chocolate or sweets beyond an occasional treat, I had to get creative.  So as I'm standing in line, the mom in front of me has a whole shopping cart full of things and as she starts to unload it, it becomes abundantly clear it's all Easter basket related.  So when her total rang up to $150, I had a good {silent} laugh to myself.  $50 bucks a kid {I counted 3 baskets, so I'm assuming 3 kids, a yes, thank you very much, I know I am very nosey} is insane I thought to myself. total came in at a $45 - for ONE little guy.  I wiped my my smug little grin and silently sent an apology out for judging another mom, even on such a silly thing.

Confession #2 - After said escapade in Target, I went home, and promptly put all the basket fillers into the closet, knowing full well I should have just put the basket together right then.  However, I didn't, and I forgot later than night and Saturday night too.  Come Sunday morning, wouldn't you know it, my little darling was already up and ready to eat breakfast before it even dawned on me that the basket was "ready." Oops!  I quickly pulled it together {again thank goodness 2 year olds don't know there is suppose to be fake grass and all that junk} and surprised him after breakfast.  Just another mommy fail here!

Confession #3 - So growing up Easter was always a time where my mother would dress our whole family in matching outfits.  My sister and I had matching dresses.  Mom's dress always matched as well.  And my dear father, bless his heart, went along with the game and always had a matching coat/shirt combo to blend with us girls {yes, he had every pastel color sports coat you could imagine, including pink}.  It is, after all, a very southern thing to do.  In my family though, well let's just say the Easter tradition is a little lost.  I do good to get my kiddo into a polo.  There's no way a shirt/tie/jacket combo is going to work.  And besides that, getting matching outfits takes planning - something that I obviously need to work on anyways.  So for us, we go to Easter service, looking pretty much like we do every other Sunday.  In the end, I figure Jesus doesn't really care what we wear, as long as we're there.  AMEN!

Confession #4 - Speaking of Jesus...let me just say, I love Easter and I love the real reason why we celebrate the season. To give thanks and worship what our Lord did for us in rising from the grave and overcoming death.  I think it's possible to celebrate both the real reason for the holiday and the "commercial" holiday {with bunnies and egg hunts, etc} without losing the meaning.  But what I truly don't understand are those folks who have such an issue with anyone, but especially Christians, being able to celebrate both.  I have a dear friend who honestly refuses to say "Happy Easter" or even acknowledge "Easter'.  They call it Resurrection Sunday and give Resurrection Baskets, but don't allow mention of bunnies, eggs, or any of the traditional Easter stuff.  I have no real opinion on the matter other than I simply don't understand it.  Can someone help me out here?

Confession #5 - So I have to say that during my first pregnancy I was pretty disconnected.  After suffering through months of morning sickness {and frankly wishing I were dead because it} I never gained that "maternal love" that mothers talk about.  I remember people saying "oh, once the baby starts kicking it'll be great!  You'll just love them even more" and I guess for some that was true.  But not me. In fact, it took me months after the baby was born to really feel connected.  And while it seems sad, all throughout my first pregnancy I really didn't worry much.  If I didn't feel kicks for a few hours or even a day, it was mostly a relief, and not really a reason to worry.  So the second time around, I wasn't sure what or how I'd feel.  However, what I've found that while I'm still not "connected" with my baby {I do think I'm just one of those people who needs to actually see him and hold him to bond} I do get freaked out far more than I did the first time.  Case in point - this child has been a wild one for weeks now.  I've been feeling strong and consistent kicks since around 20 weeks.  But this weekend this baby decided he was going to take an extended nap, despite the insane amount of sugar I consumed, and I have been on edge for 2 days now.  Thankfully, this little guy decided to finally wake up, but for a few hours I was a crazy Googling fool {bad, bad idea ALWAYS}.

I hope you're Monday is going well and you and your family have come down off the sugar high from the weekend!