I unfortunately don't have a ton of confessions this week, but instead have just one big one. Despite the fact that we begin moving into a big, beautiful new house in less than 4 hours - I am NOT excited - not even in the littlest bit.
Wow - could you feel that? I think a thousand pounds just lifted off me and yet all at once hit me in my ever-swelling stomach.
The process of purchasing a home is one that is filled with a wide range of emotions. Most people stress about the decision and money BEFORE they commit. Now don't get me wrong, I get my ducks in a row before walking down a path of this magnitude, but until the dollars and cents are finalized, I don't get stressed. It's not until it's time to actually write that check do I start to panic.
For me, money has always been a big issue. Like most married couples, it's probably one of the things we discuss most often and probably the one thing I obsess about on a regular {read: non-stop} basis. How much we've saved, how much we've spent, and how we can earn more. Growing up, I was by no means poor. Even after my parents divorced, we lived in beautiful homes and while I never had the best or newest gadgets, my mother did an amazing job of providing what we needed with a few extras here and there. She also taught me the value of hard work and the importance of managing your money. Only NOW, after I've "grown up" and started to see just what it really takes to run a household can I appreciate the sacrifices she made for me and my sister, but more importantly I can begin to see the strength she had to weather the storm of stress and anxiety she must have faced.
I know that I am blessed, beyond measure, with the worldly gifts God has given me. And throughout this entire process I have felt God's hand guiding us. Everything in fact, came together far better and easier than I could EVER have imagined. And yet now, I find myself questioning if this was the right decision. It's going to make the budget tight - real tight. And with baby #2 on the way, I worry if this was the wrong decision and I just thought God was leading me this way. I lay awake at night worrying about the bills to come. Not because the money isn't there, but because of the sacrifices I have to make to ensure the money is there. Many of which are selfish, self-serving sacrifices, like my penchant for eating because I simply don't want to cook.
There's a reason that Jesus is recorded talking about money more than anything else, second only to the Kingdom of God. Even more than Heaven and Hell combined. And that's because as humans, even thousands of years ago, money had the ability to take hold of us and Satan uses that lure as a way to continue to distract us. I've found myself praying even more than normal over the last few weeks about money in particular. Because right now, money is the reason why I'm not excited about moving. It's the black rain cloud that prevents me from enjoying the path God so patiently and lovingly forged for my family. And to make it worse, much of my stress in self induced.
I worry about not being able to afford grabbing dinner with my girlfriends, instead of seeing this as an opportunity to open my home and heart to my friends in a real way. I worry that my husband will resent our decision when he can't freely spend money on things he wants {even if I hate those very things, like cigars - YUCK} and will feel like a failure as a husband and provider. I worry about the day to day "misses" instead of the joy that will come with a new baby and space to actually enjoy each other's company.
And at the end of the day, that my friends is the real the problem - because I worry about everything that the devil wants me to worry about - perception, image, other peoples opinions - instead of remembering that God has my back. That he laid this path and made it possible for everything to come together. That for every "sacrifice" I make now, he has an even greater plan for me in the future. So while I may not be jumping over the moon about our impending move, I am praying hard that with this move our family can continue to share the love of Christ with those around us and that through our sacrifices we may bring joy to others.
I saw this image posted on Facebook yesterday and felt it was all too fitting for my mindset lately. It's a hard lesson to follow at times, but one I know that is worth it!
Until next time!
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